The Fear Of Rejection - How Technology And Society Are Fueling It.
As a dating and relationship therapist, with a focus on working with young adults, I have recently found a commonality amongst my clients, and that is the imminent fear of rejection. Men and women alike, young adults are terrified of being told no and yet also terrified of being single forever.
It is not only my job but my passion to help my clients understand where this fear comes from, and to support them in overcoming it.
It recently dawned on me the ways in which society today is breeding this fear of rejection in young children. While getting ready, I overheard a segment on the morning news that stopped me in my place. Do you remember playing kickball as a kid in gym class and the teacher would pick two team captains and they would go back and forth choosing who they wanted on their team until there was no one left? Well, this is no longer “allowed” as it hurts kid’s feelings and leaves them feeling rejected. The morning news went on to demonstrate how neither team wins at the end of the game either, but instead both teams are winners.
While I know this may be controversial and not everyone will agree with my stance - I was often that kid that was chosen last and grew up with a sister that was exceptionally better at any and every sport or activity we ever tried (see photo for reference). And guess what, it absolutely stung in the moment, but I learned the crucial life skill of rejection. Something that is no longer taught, but instead left to feel for the first time when someone’s crush tells them they don’t like them back. And worse yet, that boy or girl may never even tell them how they feel because they are so afraid of feeling rejection for the first time.
Rejection is a part of life. You may be chosen last for kickball. You may not get the lead in the school play; in fact, you may not even get a part in the school play. You may not get asked to prom by the cutie in your chemistry class. You may not get accepted to the college you dreamed of. You may not get into the sorority or fraternity that you wanted. Your classmate may get the internship you worked really hard for. You may not get the job you were overqualified for. You may not get the promotion you most definitely deserved. You may never hear back from the cute boy/girl at the bar you left your number for, but what will come from each shitty experience, is you will feel the sting of rejection and it will hurt, but you will learn from it, and you will be okay.
With each rejection we face in life, we get stronger at overcoming them. So why was I so triggered by the morning news? Because each day in my office, I work with individuals to understand why they are so fearful of rejection and in return don’t put themselves out there in the world of dating. Watching teachers and parents strip their children of the opportunity to learn that rejection is a part of life through something as insignificant as a kickball game and instead leave them to learn it for the first time in much more emotionally involved situations left me worried about our future children’s ability to cope with the undeniable rejection that is life.
But it goes beyond children and the silly example of kickball. In today’s modern world of dating, using apps, photoshop, being able to take as long as you want, and ask as many friends as you need to come up with that perfect witty response – we hide behind our screens that serve as a first layer of protection from rejection. With each new dating app and AI advancement, I worry how much further we are getting from human connection and the importance of dating in the real word. The rejection one feels by not getting liked back on hinge, is nothing compared to what it feels like to approach someone at a bar and have them tell you they are in a relationship. And yet in both situations, the underlying fear is the same, rejection. But what is it that you are really so afraid of? Embarrassment? Of what? If you had the confidence to put yourself out there, any decent person will be flattered by the compliment of someone expressing interest in them.
None of this is to say that rejection doesn’t hurt or isn’t scary. But like any good thing in life, a relationship isn’t handed to you. You need to work for what you want, knowing that rejection is a very likely part of the journey, and it will get easier with time and practice.